Raw and unedited thoughts on grief for my daughter…
Death and grief are topics of conversations that people generally don’t talk about until after the death of a loved one happens in your life. Grief is something you don’t know how you will carry it until you have to actually experience it.
When I was 17 my best friend died in a car accident. She was 8 months pregnant. That day forever changed my life. See Jenny was in foster care and she and I had an instant bond about the struggles of our young lives. Jenny taught me a lot about life. My favorite memory of her is when I walked over to her house on my birthday very upset that there was no party or any celebration because of hard situations at home. Jenny immediately took action. We walked to the local gas station and with her only $1 bought me small coffee cake. We went back to her house and she stuck matches in the top of my coffee cake and sang happy birthday to me. She told me you do the best with what you got and so we did.
A year or so later when I gazed down at her in the coffin holding her son I didn’t think I could ever make sense of this world again. But somehow I found the emotions to get up the next day and walk through what needed to be done.
Each time I was pregnant I thought about Jenny more, being reminded even with bringing life into the world I was not guaranteed that I would be able to hold each one of my babies. Her death made it very real that life is fragile and I vowed I would never live my life with regrets; to this day I have none.
Fast forward a few years and again a car accident touched my life. I know you watched me walked through the hard weeks with Amy. While you have never been married I know you understand how that kind of grief of losing a spouse forever changes a person. I showed up for Amy that day and told her everyone grieves differently and I would do whatever I could to help her grieve the way she needed.
Showing up for her, we both learned how we could cry and laugh in the same moment. We learned that time does not make this grief go away, you just learn to carry it differently in your life. We also found that meeting every week for a few hours gives us both the courage to keep interacting with life.
Then last week again a car accident brought a new grief into our lives. As a parent, watching your child grieve brings a new layer to this grief. I know as an introvert that people can be overwhelming, but reaching out and connecting even if for a few hours is important to be reminded that you are not alone in this grief. In your grief it is ok and even helpful to communicate what would help you process all that is happening.
I know those 2 babies that you have loved faithfully over the years really makes it hard to understand why ones so young have to experience the grief of losing their mommy. So I encourage you to write down memories of Christina. Someday you can share them with the kids. Tell them the stories of how awesome she was and how she helped you become the best babysitter.
When I experienced my first miscarriage the Lord brought this verse to my mind in the dark hours of the night when I was deep in grief:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5
My logical mind will never make any sense of these events and so I don’t wrestle with them and I strive toward trusting Him. And I am kind of thankful that I don’t have to lean on my understanding and instead can just be thankful that today I am here to love on you.